


Goodmorning

by peachykeensunandmoon



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield Have a Good Relationship, Billy Hargrove Has a Crush on Steve Harrington, Billy Hargrove Lives, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy Hargrove Redemption, Billy Hargrove Tries to Be a Better Person, Billy Hargrove Tries to Be a Better Sibling, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Gay Billy Hargrove, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, M/M, Soft Boys, Steve Harrington Is a Mess, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, dealing with shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:34:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23279461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachykeensunandmoon/pseuds/peachykeensunandmoon
Summary: “Well…. Umm….” she tries but fails again“See the thing is … someone else has wanted to visit you since you got here, but I’m…I’m not sure if you want…”She looks at her hands, that are knit together tightly in her lap.Billy moves his heavy hand slowly and covers hers. He’s curious who else wants to visit him, wants to know who cares except for Max, needs to know who it is.He squeezes her hands once and weakly asks the silent question hanging in the air between them. Max sighs and rolls her eyes nervously.“Umm…it’s…it’s Steve.”Billy’s eyes pop out of his head in surprise. He suddenly feels breathless, betrayed by his heart monitor, the beeps get more frequent and his cheeks burn from embarrassment.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 63
Kudos: 166





	1. Woke up, I'm in the in-between, honey.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! <3   
> This fic is based on the song "Goodmorning" by the Bleachers, give it a listen if you want it's a great song. 
> 
> Write any of your thoughts about this in the comments if you want :) 
> 
> Hope you have a great day :))

Woke up, I'm in the in-between, honey  
One foot out and I know the weight is coming  
Because I left it by the bed last night

White ceiling

Billy switches in and out of consciousness.

White lab coats and people’s hushed voices talking in scientific gibberish.

“We will need to bring him …surgery, as soon as…” A sliver of words registers, meshed together in his daze. 

It’s the second day after Starcourt, and Billy wakes up dizzily. It feels as though the pain surges through every bone in his body with every breath he takes.   
The nausea hits him and he doesn't remember where he is. Someone opens the curtains, so that the bright daylight pours into the clinical room.  
Billy thinks it’s too quiet for a hospital. The eerie room is filled with the smell of bleach and a dubious amount of disinfectant. The quiet unsettles him. It’s silent except for the beeping machine indicating his weakened heart keeps pumping blood through his veins. 

For a few minutes of blissful tranquility he doesn't know what happened. 

It dawns on him soon enough. 

The moment he starts to worry about being alone in this cold room, another nurse and a grey haired doctor come in and examine his wounds. He can’t speak yet after the exhaustion of what happened. They ask a lot of questions, hoping for a response from the teen, but to no avail. 

He tries to croak out words but they're silent and his voice is gone. 

Instead his stomach churns as it all comes back to him. He asks himself how he could have survived all that, questions why him, why did he survive when all those innocent people had to give their life. 

All that blood on his hands and he could have…should have stopped it. 

The heart monitor jumps, it’s beeping quickly and frantic. 

His palms begin to sweat as he remembers the monster piercing his stomach, then his side, after that another hit to his other side. 

The only thing he remembers from all those weeks of lost time is a barely teenage girl with strange familiarity, holding his face as gently as ever and telling him that his mother was pretty. He remembers tears running down his face, then tears falling on the girls face because she held on while he cried and cried until…

There it was… 

The roaring of the monster right when he regained control over his own body. 

Finally he could do what’s right instead of what it made him do. On instinct he lifts himself up hoping that his stance will protect the strange sweet girl from any harm. Lord knows he caused enough of that in the past. 

He blacks out from the memory, only to wake up in a bone crushing hug of Maxine, his shoulder is getting wet from her shed tears. 

Fiery red hair is all he sees when her head shakes with sobs, she hugs him tighter than before and rambles on quickly. 

“Oh my god Billy what did it do to you ? I’m so glad you're still here! I brought you some clothes and your music, the cassette player was lying on your bedside table. I hope you don't ….” 

Her shocked voice lulls him back into a dreamless sleep of nothingness, too weak to keep his tired eyes open for much longer. 

The next time he awakes she's gone again.

He wished he could have stayed awake while she was there, with a sigh his thoughts drift to his sister, poor kid went through too much. 

There’s so much he wants to say. He wants to apologise for being a horrible brother. Wants to make amends but he's stuck inside this bed day in day out. 

The days turn into weeks. 

He feels himself falling, fading from reality, seeing the days pass from inside. Doctors coming in and out and nothing changes. Nothing ever changes and he’s going crazy and he cries every night when everyone’s gone, remembering the terrified faces of the people he hurt,… no murdered. He’s a murderer and he shouldn't be kept alive by all these people in their white coats, with pitiful expressions.

Every night he falls asleep hoping the next day would be better and he’d be able to come back home, even if home also meant a beating from his dad. Anything is better that lying in this dead room. 

He hasn't spoken to anyone, the doctors said it was possible that he suffered from brain damage, hence not talking. He had wanted to protest but his mouth opened without words coming out, he inwardly groaned.


	2. Open my eyes and I stare and pray for light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I appreciate every comment and kudos<3 But the main thing I want is for you to enjoy reading :)
> 
> Hope you'll have a great day :))

Open my eyes and I stare and pray for light  
Always one foot out when you say goodbye  
to the one that you love

The visits from Max don't stop, they become the highlight of his days and he manages to stay awake during most of them. When he doesn’t, he wakes up with a note in his limp hands, that brings a smile to his face.

The days get shorter but he doesn't know, stuck inside the bed his wounds heal. They heal too slowly for a usual cut that deep, Billy is astonished they heal at all. He ponders what these doctors gave him to revive his mangled body. 

Max is excited about her freshmen year of high school and he’s so glad that she already has her group of nerdy friends, so she wont have to suffer through making new ones at the beginning of high school. It sucked for him after moving in sophomore year across the country. Right when he’d found his friends in California. Neil didn’t care, he just wanted to get him away from “bad” influence, that’s what he called it. 

Billy is just very glad for his sister after all that these kids had to endure. 

… 

“ It’s real trippy, in school all they talk about is you surviving. There’s not a hallway free of gossip about you… El and the Byers are leaving soon though. They can’t deal with people asking all these questions, El wants to visit you before they leave though. Is that okay ?” 

The faint nod of his head lights up Max’s face when she realises. 

So far she's the only one that’s been visiting him. He wonders why his father hasn't pulled him out whatever this is, because he for sure won’t be able to pay for the bills awaiting him. 

He looks back at her glowing grin and his lips twitch in the tiniest smile of his life. She seems quiet for a moment seemingly contemplating something. A little frown makes its way onto her face, hesitating before she opens her mouth. When she finally does she closes it again, not entirely knowing how to phrase it. 

Billy nods at her slightly encouraging her to go on. 

“Well…. Umm….” she tries but fails again 

“See the thing is … someone else has wanted to visit you since you got here, but I’m…I’m not sure if you want…” 

She looks at her hands, that are knit together tightly in her lap.   
Billy moves his own heavy hand slowly and covers her fidgeting ones. He’s curious who else wants to visit him, wants to know who cares except for Max, needs to know who it is. 

He squeezes her hands once and weakly asks in a silent question hanging in the air between them. Max sighs and rolls her eyes nervously. 

“Umm…it’s…it’s Steve.” 

Billy’s eyes widen surprised, suddenly he feels breathless, as well as betrayed by his heart monitor. The beeping gets more frequent and his cheeks flush from embarrassment. She keeps on explaining seemingly unfazed by his reaction. 

“He wanted to see you as soon as they carried you out, but I know its weird after your fight at the Byers’s house… I asked him about it but he didn't say anything. So would you want him to visit you ? I told him I’ll see what you think, seeing as you're kind of not on speaking terms at the moment…” 

She quickly rambles on seemingly embarrassed. 

With a blush reaching the tips of his ears he nods in spite of his lost voice.   
She looks at him warily but shrugs the look off quickly. 

“Okay if you're sure… I’ll tell El and Steve when i see them alright?” Her hands slightly squeeze his, and she smiles softly.

“You must be exhausted so I’ll come back tomorrow.” Then she gets up off the edge of the bed, it gives out a creak from the metal. She smiles one last time before heading out the door. 

Leaving the room as it was, silent, cold and lonely. 

Haunting Billy with what he’d done.


	3. One dream away from the ones above

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :) <3
> 
> have a great day

One dream away from the ones above  
That's such a rhythm in my life these days  
So I hold on tight and I learn to behave

A few days later the girl with big brown eyes looking wiser than her age knocks on the opened door quietly. He turns his head as far as he can and motions her to come in with the nod of his head. 

Steady but careful steps resound through the room as the girl approaches his bed.   
Billy smiles at her feeling safe, because of her caring nature. This whole thing took a toll on them and he understands the haunted look in her eyes. He fears the nightmare isn’t over, just like she does. 

After everything that happened he can tell her soul is so kind and caring. He kind of feels protective of her because she's the main reason he’s still here. 

She is why he came back to himself. His real self back when his mother was still with him. Not himself when he first came to Hawkins, he was a real asshole then, hurt by his fathers anger. 

Jane takes one of his scarred hands into her cold ones, the same way Maxine had done before. And gazes at him with a meaningful look in her eyes. She smiles sadly and tells him it’s going to be all right. 

“It was bad, I know. But we’re out. It will take time I understand, but you're strong.”   
With those few words she brought him to tears and he nods at her sadly. He motions for the piece of paper on the bedside table. He hasn't written since the incident but he needs to express his gratitude towards her. 

She follows the motion of his hands and reaches over to hand him the notepad. 

To be honest it takes a while until he gets the hang of it . With a sluggish hand he scrawls on the paper.

‘Thank you.’

It’s all he manages to do with his weakened fingers. He hopes she understands the gravity of these two words, because this means so much more than he can express. 

She reads it and lifts her eyes to smile at him warmly, engulfing his heart and protecting it from the outside world.   
He feels relieved that she knows, understands what’s behind the words.   
She also tells him that she’ll come back around Christmas with the Byers and that she’ll see him then. 

Both of them are people of few words, so most of what they communicate is wordless. They share another knowing smile and she bids him goodbye and leaves a piece of paper by his bedside.

Only when she's gone he dares to take a peek inside the piece of paper. 

‘and when life hurts you remember the hurt, the hurt is good it means you're out of the cave’

Written neatly in Jane’s beginners handwriting, the paper crumbles from his tight grasp of it. As he reads over the words his breath hitches and he tries holding back a sob, to no avail the tears freely spill over his flushed cheeks. 

The next day as he wakes up, he remembers the dead sleep he was in a second ago. In a split second he wonders if he should have died. If he even deserves to be kept here and alive by all these doctors, but the thought passes quickly. 

The doctor told him he will have to go into therapy sessions twice a week. Probably good, he thinks.   
Then he dreads how his father will scold him. How he’s a disgrace to the family, a spineless coward going to talk about his feelings, because he can’t deal with them on his own. Hell, he will demean and call him all the names in the book, not that he doesn't already. 

He sighs loudly trying to will away these harrowing thoughts of his father. His head hurts and his chest aches heavily he falls back asleep soon after waking up. 

These days all he does is sleep. It’s almost as if his body recharges for the time he lost while the mind flayer was controlling and not letting him sleep. 

He was in a constant in-between of wakefulness and sleepy haze.


	4. I lied to your face in the summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! I'm excited for this one :))
> 
> hope you'll have fun reading

Because I lied to you  
I lied to your face in the summer  
You had long hair then

Weeks have turned into months. 

That’s how long Steve has been beating himself up about Billy and how he should've done something to help instead of watching everything unfold in the mall. 

El told him about what she’d said the moment before Billy fought back against the monster. Since that fateful afternoon when she told him what had happened, his guilt is lodged in his throat like a stone begging to be swallowed. 

With every step he feels it weighing him down, remembers the unwavering steps Billy took to protect El, the agonised screams, the heart wrenching expression on his face as the mind flayer ripped through his body. 

And Steve feels so stupid, he feels stupid for seeing Billy at the pool before everything without his usual smirk, covered in clothes that he wouldn't even wear in the winter.

In the wake of their fight Steve was kind of scared of the other simply because he suffered from a concussion for a week. But he also faintly recalled the myriad of pain in Billy’s eyes as his bloody knuckles pummelled into Steve. The raw hurt lingering in his senses and nerve endings. 

How could he be so stupid ? 

Even though the blondes temper tantrum wasn't justified, he understands now, understands where all the rage and anger came from. He’s seen it after Billy’s short conversation with El when he stood up to the mind flayer completely on his own. 

A few kind sentences from a kid and he overcame the gruesome control of his mind, to Steve that’s unbelievable. He doubts he’d have done the same. He probably would have pulled El along with him, tried to protect them both. Yet Steve would be too much of a coward to unthinkingly sacrifice his life for a mere stranger  
Steve is speechless at Billy’s bravery and since then he has a newfound respect for the other. 

His whole world turned upside down quite literally when he heard Billy scream out in agony and wail out in pain. The sound burned into his mind so fresh and excruciating that a shiver runs coldly down his back every time. 

He often reminisces about distinct memory of when they bumped into one another by chance. 

…

It was one late summer evening when the air smelled free and leaves fell slowly. 

After one party he walked drunkenly to the store. It was the evening after Nancy had called him and everything they had bullshit. He isn't proud of drinking himself numb, but he did it nevertheless. 

He stumbled and swayed the entire time he walked ahead. 

Drunk on more than just booze he dragged his feet on the concrete. 

The dim lighting of the supermarket at 2 am lit the entire store in a surreal glow, nothing felt real, so Steve thought he dreamt as he spotted the blondes mullet and ocean eyes looking at him between the shelves from the other aisle. 

As quick as he was able he shuffled into the aisle where Billy was standing.

The weird thing was that he had seemed completely sober, however his face was painted in purple and green bruises, Steve thought it was from a fight at first. 

Just how wrong he was, only comes to his mind after El told him all about it.

His full lips had a split on the lower one. His puffy eyes were red from crying, Steve could tell. 

“s’upp Hargrove?” 

He slurred his words and in his wasted state nothing was keeping his thoughts private anymore. Drunk Steve wanted to talk to him, the cocky asshole that always riled him up during basketball.  
Always touching and talking to him in that voice. His voice drives Steve crazy, sadly he could only accept that part of himself when he was drunk. Indianas small towns and their narrow minded people are to blame for his repressed thinking. 

“Who messed you up that bad? Looks like it hurts like a bitch.” He gestured wildly to his own face he stared at Billy. 

Billy looked dumbstruck back at him, eyes sorrowful with a far away look.

“oh piss off pretty boy, don't you have some priss to sweep off her feet” 

His annoyed snarl resounded in the empty store and he had made a start in the opposite direction of Steve, holding a cold beer can against his swollen cheekbone. He shook his head out of irritation. 

Steve lashes out when he’s hurt and this time was no different. Because being called a nuisance or in other words ‘bullshit’ recently has really affected his self worth.  
But instead of using his fists he kept talking and followed Billy to the checkout. 

“For your information, the only priss I know is standing directly in front of me.” 

Steve doesn't know why he said that, apparently neither did Billy, who just brushed the comment off. 

The cashier’s bland expression seemed to only get more glum when they approached him. 

“That’s four dollars”

Billy fished a five dollar note out of his pocket and carelessly threw it onto the counter. Then he strutted out of the store in long strides. Steve was right on his heels tripping over his own feet. 

Billy was surprisingly quiet, because under normal circumstances he would have snapped at Steve again to fuck off with wild eyes. 

However these circumstances weren't normal, so he stopped in his tracks right in front of his car.  
“What do you want Steve?” he croaked worn out. 

Steve was stunned into silence at the use of his first name, and looked at Billy, really mustered him. 

He walked closer to him. 

His wide brown eyes bore into Billy’s shiny ones. 

He took another step. 

And another until he was at an arms length. 

“What ?” He said sheepishly under the intense gaze. 

“um…nothin’ ” The pitch of his voice betrayed Steve, by going up at the end. 

“God…Harrington spit it out man!” 

“Isjust … are you hurt or somethin’ ?” 

His earnest gaze met an irritated look and a dry laugh.

“Why do you care anyway?”

“I don’, I’m just curious” 

With a shrug of his shoulders he tried appearing nonchalant but failed miserably. Then he lowered his gaze towards his shoes. 

Billy sighed and relented defeatedly. 

“It’s whatever, just got in a fight. No biggie” 

Steve could tell even wasted that the explanation was insincere and Billy was hiding something. 

His mind short circuited as he took Billy’s wrist, who resisted the touch at first but gave up quickly. Steve held it carefully and saw what he thought he’d see.  
His knuckles were completely unscathed, there wasn't even a scratch on them. 

“-Wha…” Billy interjected then. 

“But there is nothin’ there…” Steve’s eyebrows scrunched together in a frown, as he kept on looking. His fingers absentmindedly caressed the rough knuckles with compassion. 

“Who really fucked up your face…?” 

He was standing upright for a moment and lightly leaned down. He left the question hanging thickly in the air. 

Hopefulness made it’s way into Billy’s gaze, he looked uneasy, defiant and confused.

In an attempt to regain free movement of his wrist Billy pulled his captured arm towards his chest. 

Steve stumbled right into him, smelling hairspray and cologne drift to his nose, clouding his senses. His body was slack from alcohol. And leaning against Billy felt kind of …nice. 

Steve turned his face towards his chest and snuggled against him. 

Hot breath blew over skin where the necklace hung loosely. The drunken boy cleared his throat, sound coming out thick with emotion. 

“C’mon you can tell me who it was…” Steve purred out quietly, one of his hands travelled upwards sparks lingering everywhere he had touched. 

“I won’t say anythin’ I swear” His voice smooth as honey, as he rested his hand on Billy’s pulse point, skin hot to the touch. 

“Steve, it doesn’t…it didn’t…” He sighed, then another pause.

Steve could feel his heartbeat, he’s sure of it. 

And he was so close…

He could reach out and touch, he could do so much. 

His eyes widened then, looking at Billy, his hands still holding the fist pressed to the others heart. 

“Your heart…” Steve managed weakly. 

“Are you okay or are you like having a panic attac…” He talked very fast until Billy interrupted him. 

“No, I’m not having a panic attack, man…” 

“Then why’s it racing like that ?” his voice had changed from confused to scratchy and raw. 

Then he deliberately rested his fingertips against Billy’s heart, feeling the subdued thump accelerating. 

The blondes face flushed while he stammered for an answer. 

His breathing was uneven as he panted, while Steve has settled his whole palm against his heart, following the soft pounding, catching every beat with his hand. 

Billy stubbornly stated. 

“Listen … I don't know what your deal is but you need to stop it …” 

Steve’s fingers shifted over his chest lightly brushing over something, that made Billy stifle his moan at the contact. Steve felt high and not from intoxication, it felt better, somehow more real. Steve had been just as out of it and croaked out thickly. 

“I’m not doing anything…”

“Don’t do this Steve…d-don’t fuck with me like this…”  
He was breathless and his voice was so…fucked out that’s the only way he can describe it. Desperate eyes begged for Steve’s understanding.

“I’m not fucking with you.” The lie fell from Steve’s chapped lips he looked at Billy. The lie stung, still does and he doesn't know if he’ll ever have a chance like he had that day. 

Their locked eyes held the electrified gaze between them, it lit up the tension in the air with electricity. 

Billy kissed him. 

Softly at first until Steve reacted and leaned in with urgency. 

One hand above his heart while the other rested at his throat. He kissed him gently as long as he was still under the influence and unafraid of what people thought. 

When it got more heated he pulled away eyebrows scrunched together, he was scared and he couldn’t meet Billy’s eyes filled with so much …hurt. 

“shit…we didn’t” he touched his lips as if burned. And ran a hand through his disheveled hair, he couldn't believe they just kissed in public for anyone to see. 

“Tell me…um.. please tell me you felt that too.” Billy’s voice cracked and he sounded so small and fragile. He looked so hopeful too and Steve couldn’t,… he just couldn't. 

It was just too much, to comprehend, too much possibility. So he did what he really didn’t want to do. He shut off his emotions and replied coldly and mean. 

“…I didn’t, this was a mistake” 

Another lie. 

Bill’s face had fallen and hurt mixed with anger and confusion.

And he was hurting. 

Just like he is now. 

Now Steve knows just how much he was hurting then. It breaks his heart to think that he had added to the weight on his shoulders. 

The memory ends and Steve is back in his car hitting his steering wheel in frustration, as tears gather in his eyes. He swallows anxiously. 

Dread filling his thoughts about visiting Billy. 

Wishing he could take all the hurt away and heal with him, together. 

A dream he hopes untainted by his poisoning lies.


	5. I'm coming back from the dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading <3 
> 
> I'm always happy about comments and kudos so leave some if you'd like to :)) 
> 
> love you guys :))

I'm coming back from the dead  
I'm singing out back

Today’s the day, today Steve is going to come visit him. 

To say Billy is nervous would be the understatement of the year. 

His hands tap away on the little plastic table, while he bites his lip nervously.   
He just can’t lie still, however long he tries. So he weighs his options, either he keeps lying here, or he distracts himself from the upcoming visit by listening to music. 

He decides to listen to some of his favourite tunes to calm his nerves.   
The cassette player that Max kindly gave him is a blessing on his boring days in recovery.  
His headphones blare out any noise from the outside as he hums along to “No One Like You” by the Scorpions from their Blackout LP. 

And theres something in the air, not quite a feeling, not quiet anything else, but for the first day since he got here, he doesn't feel like all of his energy is sucked out of him. He finally feels a little more human. 

A few minutes pass and he rewinds the song. He’s singing along to every word with his eyes closed in content, that he doesn't hear the creak of the door, doesn't notice a brown haired boy awkwardly enter the room.

Steve is stands there for some time until Billy sees him. He notices the wrung out state of Billy obviously and some kind of guilt flashes over his face. 

The moment Billy sees him the tips of his ears are flushing and he rips off his headphones sheepishly. Before he can say anything Steve cuts in and says:

“I…um…didn’t know you could sing like that you’re really good!” 

Steve eyes sparkle with interest and he scratches his neck awkwardly, with unsure steps he approaches the bed with a careful kind of consideration. 

“uh… thanks I guess” 

Billy half smiles, but his face falls quickly. He can’t gather the strength to pretend everything is fine. 

Nothing’s fine as far as he can tell, he’s bound to this shitty bed and day in day out nothing happens. 

Memories of the night they kissed fresh in his mind, his head still swimming with the warm feeling of Steve so close to him. 

That was probably the last time they’ll ever be that close to each other. 

His mood deflates, as he remembers the bitter feeling of rejection and Steve’s Bambi eyes full of fear and uncertainty. 

“Why did you want to visit me ?” He challenges Steve to say something, to say anything to tell him there is something between them, that he didn't hallucinate the greatest feeling in the world. 

Steve is famous for putting his foot in his mouth. It’s not one of his best qualities, so he stumbles over his words as usual. 

“I wanted to know …wanted to know how you were, and I was worried. We thought you d-died that night. I was scared shitless man…”

The sound of his shaky voice is accompanied by the beeping of the heart monitor, slowly speeding up. 

“But I survived, Max told you as much, so why visit me no one else bothered to ?” 

Billy keeps digging, wants to hear what he wanted to hear all those months ago.

“Because it’s the least I could do, I mean you saved all of us, that was so fucking…you wer…it was just so strong and fearless…” Steve’s tone is wobbly and he seems upset by something. 

“I just…it’s been so scary to see you lying there and think that Ilostyouforever…um We lost you forever, the party and I”

The beeping of the machine kicks up for a second and then returns to normal that makes Steve smile softly at the healing boy in front of him. 

Hesitant he clears his throat as he looks up at Billy who is sitting up against the headboard now. His hair is buzzed short and he looks paler. Steve misses his golden tan and blinding smile.   
Billy drops his questioning, seems satisfied with his answer. Steve’s demeanour is more soft and careful than Billy remembers. So they talk about how he's been during recovery and what Steve has been up to since Starcourt. Billy laughs at the fact that Steve only knows about five movies in total, despite working at the Family Video Store. 

Steve also tells him what the kids have been up to, pouts about how big they’re getting, he's scandalised that Mike is taller than him and still growing.   
They talk about the Byers and Jane, and how they’re holding up after all they went through.   
A warm feeling settles in Billy’s stomach as if something is stitched back together a missing piece.  
When Steve left that day, Billy was left with a faint genuine smile brightening up his face.

He also realises that he had spoken for the first time.   
It’s weird that his voice decided to come back to him the day Steve visits him. 

…


	6. Good morning to the cops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Abusive Neil Hargrove, if you get triggered by violence of any kind I suggest that you skip this chapter. It's not super descriptive but I wanted to warn you. 
> 
> Stay safe and healthy everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who reads this story. I appreciate every single one of you. 
> 
> This chapter is pretty angsty (I'm sorry)
> 
> TW: physically and emotionally abusive Neil Hargrove.

Good morning to the cops  
Good morning to my upstairs neighbor  
And to the kids at forty-two  
Anyone who lent me a favor

About two weeks prior to Thanksgiving he’s released from the hospital or lab. Either way he’s released into the 'great' care of none other than his father, who initially refused to come get him, but after some begging on Max’s side he relented with great unwillingness. 

Before getting into his dads car, his father grips his neck in a threatening too tight grip and pulls him aside. 

“Just so we’re clear, you’ll be moving out as soon as you’ve found a place and then I don't want you in the house anymore, do you understand !”

Billy nods quickly afraid of what would happen if he protested in any way. Afterwards his father shoves him with the same violent hand into the backseat of the car. The fresh scar on his chest hurts after the impact and Billy has to fight to breathe evenly. 

When they arrive at the house Max runs up to him and wraps her arms around Billy squeezing him too tightly. He winces when she presses on his not completely healed scars. When she notices his discomfort she pulls away quickly and apologises profusely, yet she doesn't let go completely still holding onto his arm, grounding him. 

They share a look of dread thinking of the inevitable next time Neil does something to Billy, both knowing it will happen sometime soon. Luckily he doesn't have to pay for his recovery so al least that won’t be the reason for Neil’s anger. But he always finds something wrong with Billy and if he doesn't, he'll make something up, he’ll do what he wants. 

Strict doctors orders tie Billy to the bed for another week this time back home, they said he needs more time to let his wounds heal. 

It’s so boring all alone, and he’s still very exhausted, that’s why he sleeps most days. 

He doesn’t do much else.

That fucking fight really took a toll on him, he notices when he falls asleep on the couch more than once. 

The last day of his strictly ordered bed rest Billy fell asleep on the couch hours ago and now it’s 5 pm, which means he’ll have to make dinner soon. Billy is fast asleep though and forgot about his chore for the day. Too exhausted to just pick up the pieces of his ‘normal’ life, with a father that doesn't care about him, and scarring memories that won’t leave him alone. 

The booming voice of his father is the first thing registering in Billy’s head as he wakes the sleeping boy by pushing him off the couch roughly. Hurled over on the floor Billy’s head swims and everything feels blurry. His chest feels too tight and he instantly worries about the stitches hurting. 

“What kind of good for nothing kid are you? You’re so lazy and irresponsible! I told you to behave by the rules, and you know what happens when you disobey me, don't you? Answer me or did you come back stupid ?”

The pure rage in his voice sets Billy on edge, usually he isn't that loud when Max and Susan are home. Dread is creeping up his neck at the outburst and a shiver runs down his back. 

No sign of Max or Susan is in sight, the redhead must still be at Mike’s or something and Susan is probably out with her suburban mom friends. 

Fear is lodged in his throat he recognises, but it’s a different fear than being afraid of the monsters in the upside down, it’s more solid and claws at his heart. His father is worse than any inter dimensional monster, Billy thinks and prepares for the impact of ruthless fists and kicks. 

He doesn't have to wait for long and the screaming at him doesn't stop. 

Both the screaming and the hitting mix together in a grotesque sound veil that hurts his ears and rips apart his heart. 

He can’t make out the words and can’t see fists, he only feels the pain. 

So he tries to become numb, shut off all the feelings inside him to not give Neil the satisfaction of seeing him cry. 

It doesn't really work, he still feels like bursting into tears at any moment. 

He can’t remember how long he’s been pummelled into the carpet, when the hitting stops abruptly Billy thinks his father’s had enough. 

He’s proven wrong when sound of police sirens comes closer and his father quickly pulls him along by back of his jacket and shoves him forcefully into his room next to the front door. The dull sound of his own door closing tells him his father wants him to keep quiet. 

That is exactly what he’ll do even if every bone in his body wants to resist and speak out against him. 

He’s petrified to say a word at this point, afraid he’ll open the stitches with his punches and let Billy bleed out on the carpet. He wouldn't hesitate to kick him out like that, Billy is sure of it. 

There’s a knock on the door and a muffled voice resounds though the wood of the front door. 

“Police, open up please!” After excruciating silence a deep manly voice booms though the door with vehement. 

Theres a short pause, then shuffling inside the hallway, probably Neil readjusting his clothing and wiping his bloody fists. 

With an unwavering hand he opens the door nonchalantly and Neil knows how to cover anything up. It’s hopeless really, how skilled he is in that department, its fucked up. 

“Evening Mr. Hargrove we need to have a word with you.” 

The stern voice of Chief Hopper has a wary undertone, he probably senses that none of what’s going on is okay. 

“Evening, how can I help you Chief?” 

In the most calm and collected voice his father feigns ignorance to his own violence. As if he didn't just beat Billy half to death. 

“There’s been a noise complaint from one of your neighbours. They said there were loud screaming sounds coming from this address.” 

The stern tone of the Chief seems serious and demanding. 

Meanwhile Billy is breathing raggedly and unable to move, it hurts too much. 

“Well, you can blame that on my son, he’s been listening to this shitty music all evening, the music with the screechy guitars and screaming you know ? Must’ve been that, I told him to keep it down. Guess I’ll have to tell him again.” 

Billy freezes and cowers away from the implication of another threat. 

The Sheriff clears his throat uncomfortably, not quite believing but not having any proof to trespass and look if everything's all right. He sighs and huffs noticeable and frustrated. 

“Ok, just keep it down Mr. Hargrove I don't wanna come around here again. and Keep. It. Down. Evening” emphasising every word pointedly his steps retract and the door closes quietly. His voice was anything but friendly at the farewell. 

For tonight Billy is safe and tomorrow he’ll be in school for most of the day. So he’s fine. 

For now

Billy doubts wholeheartedly that his father will stop anytime soon, he fears the next time won’t be stopped by the cops or anyone. 

He wishes anyone would help and notice apart from neighbours that are too afraid to come knocking on the door when something seems wrong. At least they called, if they hadn't Billy would be unconscious by now. 

He needs someone to notice it his hurt, he need someone to care, someone he doesn't have to protect like he does with Max. 

...


	7. I wish that I could stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers, 
> 
> This chapter has taken me a little more time than usual because writers block is a bitch and I just didn't know how exactly to overcome that. Hope you'll like it nonetheless. 
> 
> Stay safe and happy <3 
> 
> Thank you for reading, it really means a lot to me! 
> 
> sending lots of love to all of you :))

I wish that I could stop  
Now I wish that I could live a little safer

The police came to his house on Friday and after that his father let him off the hook for a bit, letting Billy suffer through the bruises. 

It’s Wednesday and Max has invited him to come with her to Dustin’s house. At first Billy was hesitant, because felt like an intruder with this tightly knit group of friends, who are all wary of his character. Rightfully so, he thinks, as he spirals down into dark guilt haunting him. 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and the kids planned a kind of pre-Thanksgiving dinner to help themselves feel more normal. This thing that happened in the mall changed all of them and brought them together like nothing else could. 

That means he’ll have to sit through dinner with the kids who probably still hate his guts for what he did to Lucas and Steve. Joyce and Hopper, who are still worried about the gang and the upside down stuff. Of course Dustin’s mom will be there to help them prepare the food. Nancy and Jonathan are coming as well as Robin and Steve. 

What a bizarre group of people thrown together by weird circumstances. 

He’s terrified if he’s honest, all these kids don’t like him after he’d beaten up their babysitter and seemingly was a racist asshole. 

They caught him all wrong that evening, he was still shaken up from his father screaming at him and making him responsible for what Max was up to, it wasn’t like he hated Lucas, his father sure does. Billy just didn't want to get his face bashed in because he let Max run around town with the little rugrats.

He had wanted to protect Max as well, from the wrath that surely would await her if Neil found out. Neil’s views are like he’d been raised under a rock, shielded from all moral or human decency, therefore the racist comments he let’s slip out are too often for anyone’s liking. 

So to set himself apart from his fathers deeds Billy helplessly tore through countless pages in his notebook to get the apology letter just right. With sincerity he hopes to have smoothed things over between them. He still hasn’t heard back from Lucas, and he understands what he did was unspeakable and horrible. However he’s still jittery and anxious about Lucas’ reaction to him. 

The look in his anxious wide brown eyes is still clear as day in his head, the moment he picked him up by his shirt and pressed him against the wall, the pure fear and shock shaking his body. The hurt in his eyes, there was just so much hurt. 

Sometimes Billy cries when he remembers what he did to that poor boy, motivated by his own frozen fear. He often promises himself to never turn out like his old man. Couldn’t bare to look in the mirror if he did. A cold shiver runs down his spine, sucking out all warmth from his soul, leaving behind a cold shadow of what he once was. 

So he doesn’t blame the group if they still hate him, he feels guilty enough as it is, he also worries about Hopper asking any kind of questions about his dad and Billy’s now bruised up face from the other day. 

Yet his troubling thoughts always return to a certain teen, with big kind and forgiving eyes, who turns his emotions upside down and makes him feel so warm and fuzzy inside out. Steve would probably fuss over the bruises as if Billy is one of his children. 

Even when they’re not really friends. 

They’re not exactly more. 

Yet pretending they’re anything less seems just as wrong. 

After that first visit, with shy glances when the other wasn't looking, plenty more were to come and in every conversation they lost themselves just a little bit more. 

Conversations filled with stupid shenanigans and serious talks about feelings and trauma. They’ve never talked about Neil, because Billy simply can’t open up about that to Steve yet, the memories still too fresh. 

They talked so much that most days Steve came over the visiting hours were long over, by the time they idly chatted until Billy fell asleep. The brunette used the stolen moments to say goodbye with soft eyes and a hopeless look of longing painting his face.  
Billy is filled with all sorts of thoughts and dreams when he thinks back to those visits in the lab, where he didn't have to worry about Neil locking him in the house on cherry lane to prevent people from finding out about his bruises and scars. 

Again his subconscious drifts off to pale skin and kind eyes as he envisions the cute teen scrunch up his face in concern for him. 

He doesn’t know how to deal with that. 

Nowadays he doesn’t really know how to deal with anything. Wholly confused Billy mulls over any possible situation. 

Situations that include meeting Steve the first time back out in the real world.

Last time he thought he had any sliver of chance with Steve, the brunette crushed it with a curt answer and cold eyes. 

He was so different from the compassionate guy that visited him and talked to him hours on end making him feel like a normal person without monsters haunting him. 

Right now all that’s left to do is to come up with a plan to get Neil’s permission for Billy to come along with Max. Which is proving to be difficult, ‘cause Billy’s face is plain proof that Neil isn’t as nice as he pretends to be. With the placement of these cuts and bruises he can’t even think of a plausible excuse that wouldn't sound like his father is an abusive prick in its truest form. 

One of the guests is after all a cop and Neil knows that, knows that he’s on thin ice with the hard look of scrutiny in Hopper’s eyes. The actual chief of police, who is a genuinely a good guy and father, unlike his dad.

…


	8. somebody lend me a favor soon.

I'm watching all of the nights go blue  
Somebody lend me a favor soon

“I’ve said it a hundred times Billy you need to do the chores and I won’t have you attend some silly dinner with a bunch of thirteen year olds!”

A silence follows. Theres tension sits heavily in the air, undeserved disappointment in his gaze and the cold steely eyes bore into Billy’s.

“Why would you even wanna go in the first place…could you at least spend time with classmates and pretend to be normal for onc-”

The door slides open with a creak and red fiery hair comes into view, Max’s confident voice quickly cuts in trying to divert the attention from Billy. 

“I asked him to come and it’s really not that big of a deal we’re just going to eat with some of my friends. And I need someone to take me to Dustin’s house, can he please come along ?”

Her voice slightly wavers in suspense, telling that she’s nervous as hell, but hiding it well. 

“Well…Maxine, why can’t some of your friends parents pick you up, Billy still has to rest on doctors orders. Maybe ask that nice and proper Wheeler family to take you?” 

Neil answers with a sense of faux friendliness making obvious how he only pretends to be a good father, when people are around.

The second he looks away Max rolls her eyes behind his back mockingly, Billy catches the impression. Yet her brother is too scared to enrage Neil, doesn’t dare defy his father and deliberately shuts his mouth. His lips are pressed into a thin line and his expression becomes even more grim than before. 

Max is smart and knows not to push Neil's buttons any further after learning about how he deals with his anger. Even when it’s not Billy’s fault, he’s still his punching bag for every inconvenience. So without any other choice Max hesitatingly nods her head and replies in a monotonous voice. 

“Uhm…okay I’ll call them to ask if they can take me with them.”

The conversation is over when Neil nods sternly and leaves the living room. The teens release a breath they’d both been holding, while the smothering tension that clouded the room subsides. 

Walking on eggshells has become a normalcy in the Hargrove House and nobody ever says anything. 

Heavy glances pass between them. Billy hangs his head slightly and strolls over to do the dishes, all while Max goes to her room to call the Wheelers to catch a ride.  
The sloshing of the water mixes in with the creaking of a closet door opening in another room. 

He shouldn't have gotten his hopes up, shouldn't have thought Neil would be decent even just once. Disappointment fills him, making his limbs cold from lack of warmth. He wanted to apologise at the dinner and now can't make amends like he wants to… _needs to._

The muffled voice in Max’s bedroom seems discouraged and frustrated. Max’s voice is always a little louder on the phone, Billy secretly thinks it’s adorable that her phone calls sound like she has a hearing problem. 

“But I really need a ride Mike….

...no Billy can’t take me…

I’m sorry…….uhm thanks can you give me his number…

wait a second I need a pen…

All right thank you! See you later.”

After some shuffling and something banging against a shelf she hurries over and holds a post-it note in her hand and waves it in front of his face. 

What’s this? Billy says with a raised eyebrow wholly confused. Max answers in a deadpan voice telling him it’s Steve’s number because the Wheeler’s don't have enough space in the car. 

And did you call him? Billy replies frustratedly because he was looking forward to seeing the other. Mischief changes Max’s entire face and she smirks at him. 

“Uhmm well.. “

Short pause. 

“I thought maybe you wanted to talk to him ? I saw you getting along quite well after y’know...?” 

She deflates expecting for her suggestion to be rejected. Billy surprises himself when he quickly cuts her off by tearing the piece of paper out of her hand and walking to her room where she has a telephone these days. Billy doesn't want her to see him blushing at the mention of Steve. 

**Steve -**

**765- 985- 7341**

Billy’s hand is unsteady, too nervous to concentrate on typing, he messes up once. 

The phone is ringing. 

_Once._

_Twice._

“Steve Harrington speaking, hello ?” 

Of course Steve answers the phone like any rich asshole, Billy wouldn't have expected any less. So formal and polite, Billy has to smile slightly before clearing his throat. His mouth is dry and he’s struggling to find the words. Steve’s voice threw his thoughts out of the window and Billy needs to see him again. Flashes of their kiss make their way into his head. 

“It’s me…” 

He croaks out ever so eloquently, waiting for the floor to swallow him whole. His voice is rough and deeper than usually.

“Billy? …What’s up?” 

The tone on the other end of the line sounds happily surprised and Billy wonders if they're friends. 

“I need a favor Harrington, would you mind driving Max to Dustin’s house for the Thanksgiving thing.” 

Billy would prefer anything over missing this night. He wants to apologise, be better, and do better. Neil is getting in the way of that. 

“Um…yeah sure, but I thought-I thought you were coming too?” 

“Can’t my old man needs me to do chores.”

There’s a pause and a short breath at the other end of the telephone. 

“Oh…bummer, I’d really been looking forward to tonight with the kids and  
yo…-everyone I guess.”

He trails off obviously bothered about the whole situation, Billy’s chest flutters nervously while he tries not to get his hopes up after the last time. 

After a thoughtful silence Steve speaks up in a more neutral tone. 

“When do you need me to be there ?” 

_Always._

Billy thinks. 

“Seven-ish, if you can. Max is really excited, so thanks for helping me out with this and-” 

He stops himself before he says too much. 

_…-I was looking forward to seeing you too._

_…-I want to talk to you again._

_…-I miss talking to you._

“yeah?” 

“Nothing, see you later right ?” 

“I’ll be there at 7”

The phone clicks and then theres silence, the dreadful silence. After hanging up the phone his heart rate returns to normal, which makes breathing and thinking a little easier. 

His boots scruff on the floor as he goes back to where Max is trying on her third outfit of the night, he rolls his eyes fondly when he spots her putting on makeup.  
A blush spreads over her freckled face when she notices him watching her.  
She sticks out her chin defiantly and mutters irritated:

“What is it ?” 

“Nothing, just watching your misery trying to impress Lucas.” Smirking he winks at his little sister, which is now as red as a tomato. 

“Get out Billy !” A deep laugh rumbles through him at that and Max shoves him out of the room embarrassedly. 

“Oh and by the way Steve will pick you up in half an hour, you’ll have to be ready by then. ”

Billy distracts himself by washing the rest of the dishes that have piled up over the last two days. His eagerness to see Steve makes him buzz with unused energy.  
The last sun rays stream into the room putting a warm soft spell on the room. 

...

With careful steps Max comes into the room wearing a baby blue summer dress and sneakers.

“You look great Max, Lucas better tell you as much or I’ll need to have a talk with him.”  


After everything that happened he’s felt more protective over her than before. Snippets of being stuck in the sauna at Hawkins pool flare up the memories fresh as the day, where Max was so understanding and kind, that he managed to regain control over the monster for a moment. Tears flooded hotly over cold cheeks, warming him with a fleeting feeling of understanding that was gone just moments after. 

He remembers feeling so cold and lonely when the monster took over again and tears didn't stop running while he fought the kids against his own volition. He puked his guts out when they were gone and black goo was everywhere. 

Flashing back into reality he smiles timidly at his sister with a sad glint in his eye, that never fully disappears these days. If she saw she didn't mention it and smiles kindly back at him. 

The bright red light of the digital clock on the counter reads 7:30 pm. 

“He should already be here.”

Billy is getting nervous as well, what if something happened to Steve on the way to Cherry Road, so to calm his nerves, he gets himself a beer from the fridge. Both teens chat about the food that Max is gonna eat tonight, how they’ll finally reunite. Billy is obviously a little down about not being able to go, but he doesn't want to her feel bad about him, so he let’s her do most of the talking, he smiles and nods at the right moments. 

Then …

There’s frantic knocking on the door, which can only mean Steve arrived in a hurry.  
Billy beats Max to the door and opens it with a swing hoping to startle the brown haired teen. 

Bambi eyes gaze back at him, way closer than anticipated. It makes the air rush out of his lungs in a big gush. His hair is disheveled and his eyes are puffy from sleep, he looks just so soft that Billy heart gives a pull. 

“Uh…hi, sorry’m late I took a nap and slept through my alarm…”

Max walks around Billy with a half annoyed but amused look on her face showing that she’s not that bothered about it. 

“Max I’m so sorry I wanted to be on time, but they probably haven't even started eating yet, I hope so at least …” 

Remorseful he gives her the full on puppy dog eyes and pouts his lips adorably. It’s torture for Billy and his already unsteady heartbeat.

“It’s alright but can we go ? I’m hungry!” she says while heading out the door to the Beemer and sitting down on the passengers side. 

The older boys look at one another in silence, both seemingly wanting to continue the conversation, yet not aware of it. 

“So chores huh?” 

Steve tries to make small talk happen while Billy is standing still wordless at the sight of Steve, he smoothes it over with a cocky expression. 

Steve is wearing his trademark crisply ironed chinos and a polo with a pullover over it. Looking every bit like the posh family he comes from, it does something to Billy.  
Deep in his chest something loosens and is filled with curiosity of wanting to know all there is to know about him. 

“yeah I guess but I hope you’ll have fun” 

He really means it too, he’s not like before when he pretended nothing mattered to him, all of it matters now, everyone in their group. Steve’s face falls and he looks around the house searching for something. 

“Is anyone around right now ?” He looks like he came up with a plan, the blonde doesn't know what for. 

“Nah, my dad is out buying cigarettes and Susan is with a friend eating out.” 

He raises his eyebrow questioning and tilts his head slightly. 

A move he’d often used, while wooing the girls in town, apparently it does nothing for Steve…

“C’mon why don't you just sneak out and come with us ?” 

…or does it ?

Unconsciously Billy smiles at the thought of just getting in the car with them and sticking it to his father, he can’t help dreaming. 

“Harrington you know that I-I can’t…”

Steve nods sadly looks him in the eyes conveying all of his emotions like an open book. Confusion mixes with disappointment and is that a little bit of hurt in his eyes too? 

It pains Billy to turn his idea down, but he has to or else…

He knows it wouldn’t look good for him. With a resigned sigh he looks down to his bare feet before lifting his head again. The sun is almost gone, leaving the room in this warm after glow of the day. Everything feels warm and Billy melts at the sight of the sleepy boy who currently struggles for words of goodbye. When he finally presses out his goodbye it sounds unsure and defeated. 

“yeah-yeah…okay” 

A tiny step forward.

Hesitation?

It almost looked like he was going in for a hug but that must be Billy’s imagination he thinks and shakes his head to get out of it. 

Instead a hand is struck out to him, too formal not to be weird, yet he doesn't hesitate grasping the hand quickly craving every touch he can get.

Steve’s hand feels smooth against his and Billy never wants to let go, long fingers trace over the back of his palm absentmindedly and his breath stutters.

What is Steve’s deal recently? 

Since he was in the hospital he’s full of mixed signals and mellow smiles, which makes Billy dizzy from overthinking. Where Billy’s hand is rough and calloused, Steve’s hand is soft and strong at the same time. 

Their handshake was too long and both came away with shy glances.

It ended in hushed goodbyes. 

Now Billy is alone once again with nothing to do and a heavy weight pulling him down.


	9. what a weight to live under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, 
> 
> this chapter actually made my heart hurt a little bit. I swear they'll get their hug sometime soon. 
> 
> I really appreciate and thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading this little story. I love it when you guys comment and give me feedback on what I could Improve <3<3<3 
> 
> Good day/night wherever you are :) 
> 
> ILY

Woke up in the corner store, someone saying my name  
Everybody moving around, acting like nothing had changed  
But something had changed in me (yeah, she touched me)  
Yeah, she touched me, said, "I know you're not to blame"  
What a weight to live under

He sat motionless on the couch for about an hour staring a hole into the TV, which wasn't even switched on. He didn't hear stumbling steps of his father and Susan down the hall, a door slamming and muffled laughter in their room. Didn't register the smug look on his fathers face when he noticed Billy sitting on the couch lonely, hopeless and deflated. 

After the noise went down he turned off the lights in the living room and got his shoes and a jacket off the coat rack and went into his room and locked it. 

Inside his room he put on his shoes, a hoodie and his jeans jacket before slipping out through the window in a hurry hoping Neil, won’t check on him and notice that he’s gone. 

He couldn't stand the silence and the dire feeling of suffocation at home any longer and decided to reward himself with a bottle of whiskey, he’s got hidden in his closet for bad times. 

Bad times like these when nothing helps to alleviate the dead weight on his chest. 

He drives to the quarry with Max’s borrowed bike.The thing belongs on the junkyard considering the way the light hangs onto a thin chord and how it rattles while driving. His baby Camaro is still at the mechanics, totalled by none other than the King himself and Billy doesn't know how to fix any of it. 

Can’t fix his car.

_Can’t fix his head, or his heart._

Nothing is the same and it’s driving him insane. 

The way everyone seems to be able to go on, no one knows the things he’d done and seen himself do. The feeling of his body running hot is now a distant memory.

_No one knows…  
No one but him…_

It won’t leave his head. 

**Monster, worthless, lazy, waste of space.**

These words repeating over and over again until they lost all meaning. 

So he decides to drink away all the sorrow and pain. He drinks himself into a stupor of numbed feelings and fuzzy heat in his stomach. He drinks to recreate the warmth of human contact he so rarely receives. 

But he’s still so cold that he shivers and his hands tremble while he keeps on destroying his body with strong liquor. 

_Blurry vision._

Without worries, without guilt freezing over his heart.

A voice in his head, too similar to the mind flayer whispers to him menacingly. 

**You’re just like your father.**

An alcoholic with anger issues. 

**Just like him and nothing more.**

By now he’s a crying mess curled up at the edge of the quarry. 

He digs the heel of his palms into his eyes to keep the tears from spilling out it doesn't help his breath is so ragged that he feels like he’s suffocating.  
His throat is hurts from holding back the sobs that shake his entire body. He doesn't want to feel this way, doesn't want to feel anything anymore. 

So he does the exact opposite of what he should do. 

He gulps down more and more whiskey, until the bottle is empty and slides out of his sluggish grip away down to the edge of the quarry. The splash of it hitting the water is the only sound in the silence of the night. 

He’ll get into so much trouble being out tonight, but as of right now he can’t remember his own name, so that problem is for another time. 

…

Wasted out of his mind he finds himself woken in the corner store closest to the quarry. He doesn't know how he even got there in the first place. A light motherly touch wakes him from the drunken haze, right in the middle of the tiny store. He remembers wanting to smoke and then nothing. 

Somehow he must have managed to collapse as soon as he stepped foot in the store. 

“Billy!”

Wide brown eyes muster him full of concern and he fidgets under the intense stare. He’s not used to someone caring, Susan never does, no matter how bad it gets. She always averts her guilt ridden eyes and leaves the house with Max, not wanting her to see Neil for the monster he really is. 

“-Hey can you hear me ? Billy-?“ 

The gentle voice fills the tiny space left between him and Joyce Byers. He silently wonders, why she's back in Hawkins, and what she’s doing in this dingy store of all the places. 

“…’m fine, s’nothing.” 

With a dismissive hand he waves her concern off. His hand is uncoordinated and flops back to his side unconvincingly. 

She sighs in discontent and shakes her head stubbornly, a trait she picked up dealing with her two boys when they were difficult. 

“Nonsense Billy! You’re too drunk and way passed out in a store. Who knows what could’ve happened to you!”

Her worried chattering away fades to the background when he remembers what happened in the mall. The people that he killed while he was controlled by the mind flayer. His drunken thoughts are too persistent and the guilt that has build up bubbles to the surface, threatening to spill over. 

The bright store lighting reminds him of the neon signs in the mall, when the tentacles of the mind flayer stabbed him over and over again. 

_White spots in his vision and fireworks, so many fireworks._

He’s crushed by the bad thoughts as the tears roll down his face in thick drops. His tears becoming sobs as he bitterly whimpers about what he did. 

“It’s all my fault! I killed all these people, I should’ve…I shoud’ve…sto-stopped them” 

He gets out in midst of a broken sobbing sound. 

Unable to contain all this hurt and pain he keeps on sobbing into the arms of a distraught Joyce Byers. She holds onto him tightly and whispers soothing words into his ear in an attempt to calm him down. 

The sobs finally subside, only a tiny sniffle here and there slips out. 

His head hurts and all he wants to do is sleep, sleep somewhere safe.

Joyce tightens the grip around him and wipes the residue of tears of off his cheeks. 

“Billy listen to me!”

She cradles his messed up and teary eyed face in both her hands and looks at him sternly. 

“There’s one thing I know for sure, I know you're not to blame! The way you saved all of us and especially El from that… that thing. That was so brave Billy, you’re so strong.”

“No! … no, I should've stopped it sooner.” 

His sniffling makes his protest seem less believable and makes him look like a petulant child rather than almost an adult. 

“Gotta go home anyways, thanks Mrs. Byers but I don't need your pity.”

He croaks out desperately. His throat still scratchy from all the crying. He feels like shit and all he wants is to ignore everything. 

With disapproval she bluntly replies.

“It’s not pity, this is me cutting you a break. Now get into the car.”

Exhausted he slumps into the seat, and in his daze he nods off even before she drives off. His last thought is that she hopefully won’t drive him back home, to his father. 

…


	10. what a lie that's been covered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, 
> 
> thanks for reading I appreciate every single one of you. 
> 
> <3 hope u stay safe and healthy and that you have/had a lovely day!
> 
> as always if you want you can give this story all the feedback and kudos you want :) 
> 
> <3<3<3

_What a lie that's been covered. ___

__When he wakes again he finds himself surrounded by clutter and a homey feeling._ _

__Joyce dragged his drunken ass out of the store into her very used 1976’ Ford Pinto, to get him to the safety of her home. The moment he sat down he blacked out from the alcohol cursing through his body and the exhaustion of crying for hours.  
He is dumbfounded to find himself on her couch with a soft knitted blanket covering him. It smells like homemade food and cinnamon spices. _ _

__“Wha…, where am I ?”_ _

__The walls are covered in some flowery run down wallpaper and warm toned wood makes it feel like a real family lives here. He couldn't fathom, why the Byers family would ever want to leave a home like this._ _

__…well he gets it with the monsters and all that, but he could live here, even when there are monsters knocking on the front door. They probably decided against moving because of the same reason, maybe also because they have these kids and everyone involved in the upside-down as a family._ _

__But why is Billy here right now, he’s not apart of that group and he’s never spoken a word with Mrs. Byers before ?_ _

__“Uhhm, Mrs. Byers ?” he quietly adds feeling very unsure and almost like a little child asking for his mother to explain the world to him, but she doesn't hear him, instead she’s on the phone with someone. She sounds worried and lowers her voice cautiously._ _

__“He needs to … needs to sober up and judging from the state he’s in, I’d rather not bring him home, because, well… I heard from Max that his dad is very strict.”_ _

__She sighs and speaks into the speaker emphatically._ _

__“You don't understand, I need to be home before the morning and I-I can’t just stay here. And anyway you probably have something better to do…”_ _

__Desperation is clearly audible in his thick cried out voice, as he begs Joyce to bring him back home. He’d rather stay but nothing good ever comes out of him catching a break._ _

__“But you can't expect me to bring you back with dirty sweaty clothes and alcohol breath from a mile away?! The kids are coming in half an hour and they can’t see you like this.”_ _

__Billy lowers his head in shame and tries to control his breathing. He cannot have this conversation and he for once does not have any answers as to what to do._ _

__“I just talked to Steve on the phone and well he—he brought Max home and nobody was awake. I hope you don't mind but I’m gonna take you there to sober up a little.”_ _

__“Oh no Mrs. Byers you don't have to do that, just…please don’t!”_ _

__She quickly shuts him up and her voice fades as she roams around in the bathroom down the hall. He takes in the living room for a moment, noticing the way that everything looks so different, from the last time he was here. No crazy paintings of Hawkins tunnels on the walls and not as much clutter lying around._ _

__It’s still messy but not in that insane sort of way anymore._ _

__Thinking back on the last night he was here almost brings tears to his eyes, because of the cold expression in those usually warm Bambi eyes, that made him freeze and the sneering words from Steve cut deeper than he admits to._ _

___That night when his father got out of control after Max disappeared with the little band of geeks right with her._  
It was a week after the night he kissed Steve, since the incident they hadn't spoken a word to each other.  
Not so much as a glance in his direction. 

__Back then the sliver of hope that anyone cared about him, ceased into nothingness and the darkness was back to surround his waking moments. The time following the kiss was pure agony, because feeling those soft lips against his incinerated anything else that was going on._ _

__The shadow of harsh fists fighting against him and those eyes full of disappointment when he grabbed Lucas by the shirt haunt him. He doesn't know where he stands with either of them and it drives him mad._ _

__By now they are back in the car speeding towards Steve’s house._ _

__“Do you mind ?” Joyce lights up a cigarette with her slender hands and motions with her free hand to the cigarette._ _

__“no-not at all…go ahead.”_ _

__Billy couldn't care less, also it would be kinda hypocritical of him considering that he’s a smoker himself._ _

__The car ride is silent except for the radio quietly droning on with the latest hits, right now they're playing a cheesy love song by the cars, he scoffs inwardly at the irony of the whole situation. The night air fills the car with a promising feeling of false hope and safety. Billy looks out of the window mulling over every possible exit strategy so he doesn't have to be alone with his crush, let alone shitfaced through all of that._ _

__Ten minutes later he’s still mute and miserable, Joyce steals worried glances in his direction every so often, he knows yet tries to not notice too much. Its so unusual to have some stranger care more about him than his own father does. The silent night of hawkins is so quiet and eerie, a shiver runs down his spine in cold remembrance. Dark thoughts clawing their way into his head making room for the hold of the mind flayer. He shakes his head to rid himself of the cold._ _

__It doesn't work._ _

___Never does. ____ _

____Joyce clears her throat awkwardly she has finished smoking but looks like she’s itching for another, another sigh. She wonders why he didn't come to the dinner and how in the hell he ended up in that trashy store._ _ _ _

____She’s always worried and feels like all these kids went through too much for life’s difficulty afterwards. And yes Billy did bad things, but if nobody is ever forgiven for their faults, then what is left of the person. So she firmly believes that Billy had changed, for the better. She feels the responsibility to let him know._ _ _ _

____“You know that you can tell us if anything happens? I mean me and Hopper…We really want you to be okay.”_ _ _ _

____Unsure of how to package all she wants to say thats the only sentences she utters emphatically._ _ _ _

____“yeah sure”_ _ _ _

____His reply comes out weakly and absentminded, but his mind is made up, resigned to a shitty dad and no real friends in this godawful town._ _ _ _

____He’s already panicking about being in that big house, with only Steve and nothing to keep him from making stupid mistakes. They sit there for another minute in silence, Joyce thinking about how to help, while Billy is thinking of the brunette and how to act without raising suspicion that he’s in love with the boy._ _ _ _

____She motions to the door kindly and lightly puts her hand on his arm, Billy feels frozen to the spot, what if Steve doesn't even want him in the house, least of all have him use his shower._ _ _ _

____Finally she manages to urge him to get out and with that she bids him goodbye before driving off to be home before the kids come back._ _ _ _

____The Beemer is sitting in the dark of the driveway to the intimidating house and Billy has never felt so tired in his entire life so he walks up to the front door, heart in his hands._ _ _ _

____Knocking on the door turns out to be harder than he thought it would. His bruises ache and his head swims from alcohol and tears. His knuckles on the wood are louder than anticipated and he wants to turn around and leave._ _ _ _

_____Walk all the way back home if he has to. ____ _ _ _

______The swing of the door is so sudden he’s not ready._ _ _ _ _ _

______Not ready for the sight greeting him at the door._ _ _ _ _ _

______**“Um … hi, I guess chores didn't take that long huh ? ” ******_ _ _ _ _ _


	11. I’m talking about (I'm a comedian) rolling thunder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, 
> 
> ily <3 I know I haven't updated in a while but I lost my inspiration for some time :/ that's also why this chapter is not the most creative, I apologise. I swear somethings about to happen soon, so please bare with me. I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read my little story. <3<3<3
> 
> I'm wishing you all the best :):) 
> 
> stay safe and healthy :))

I’m talking about (I'm a comedian) rolling thunder

He needs chewing gum or something minty fresh to save his face before talking to Steve. He's too horrified to greet him, Billy swallows dryly and wipes his hands on the jeans he’d been wearing. 

_Warm honey and cinnamon._

The overpowering smell of homeliness and comfort mixed with Steve’s expensive cologne greets him as soon as the door opens. He can’t tell why but he’s strangely affected by it.  
While Billy is taking in the surroundings Steve starts explaining things and asking questions. 

But his words go unnoticed as Billy stares silently. 

The situation feels entirely too intimate, the blondes stomach churns. Steve’s hair is messy and flops over his forehead. He looks sleepy even though he probably hasn’t slept yet. His pyjama pants are the generic blue and white striped ones little kids always wear because of their parents. His bare feet are peeking out and he looks soft.  
It’s all too much for Billy. 

In his condition with Steve looking like that, he fears that he can’t keep his composure. He can’t even form a sentence, so he stumbles over the words inside his head. His thoughts are still clouded by the residue of alcohol and tears. 

After Steve realises that he’s not getting an answer anytime soon, he quietly, as though not to scare Billy, ushers him inside by stepping away from the doorway. Widening the opening of the door so he can come into the house. 

Billy stumbles and drags his feet, while he averts his eyes bashfully. He notices the state of the shirt he’s been wearing and how it uncomfortably clings to his back. He sobers up enough to identify where the mucky stench of alcohol is coming from. 

_Himself._

He must look as miserable as feels on the inside and winces at the thought. He didn't even wanna be brought here and yet he has to suffer through the embarrassment of being a fucked up mess in his presence. He wants to crawl into a hole and never see daylight again. His thoughts are astray and his steps are unusually small. Gladly Steve doesn't mention his appearance, he simply smiles and nods at him. 

The lock of the front door clicks. Now that he’s finally inside, Billy notices that he’s never actually been at Steve’s house before, his stomach flips similar to the moment before a rollercoaster drops. 

“so uh…the bathroom upstairs has a shower, the water pressure is really good so I think you should use that one…”  
He rambles and Billy understands why, it is kind of awkward between them. Billy’s muteness is the weirdest part of this whole thing. But he finally manages to croak out a few words. 

“Thanks,…I mean for all of this.”

His voice sounds so small and fragile, it’s strange to his own ears. His usual cockiness and confident demeanour is nowhere to be found. 

He doesn't like the sound of his voice anymore, but something in Steve’s eyes makes him feel less self conscious and awful. His expression makes the terrible things he’d said and done hurt less.

Steve’s neutral reaction to everything thats going on shakes something loose within him. He can finally relax and calm down a bit. He knows they’ll be fine, even if they don't see each other after today. 

“No worries, c’mon I’ll show you where the bathroom is.” 

They start walking up the stairs 

Every so often the ghost of a touch to his back electrifies him, startling in an unknown way. Steve leads him with a hand at the small of his back, ever so slightly his hand grazes over the damp sweatshirt Billy is wearing. His breath hitches sometimes but Steve doesn’t seem affected by the touch at all. 

They pass a door and another one, then finally there’s a bathroom door, Steve lets go of his back Billy immediately misses the warmth of his touch. 

“There’s shampoo and other stuff is inside the shower, I’ll get you towels and a change of clothes, I’ll be right back.”

A second later his own eyes in the huge bathroom mirror are all he sees, he turns away quickly. Ever since the monster struck him, he refuses to look in the mirror. He is too ashamed of the scars that spread over his chest, Haunted by his mirror image as if it’s mocking his existence, before shit went down he used to love looking at himself in the mirror. It gave him a kind of power and confidence, that his dad tried to destroy at every chance. So looking good and flirting distracted him from his shitty home-life when he wasn't home.

Whereas now he wears loose fitting clothes that cover most of the scarring. 

Now… 

He doesn't feel anything except for the cold when he looks into the mirror.

Tears brim at the edge of his waterline, as he strips down, then gets into the shower. He turns the heat up to the max, not taking any chance of the Mindflayer controlling him again. The water burns his skin slightly but he doesn't care, the fear is tremendous. 

The bathroom is engulfed in a heavy steam and the expensive scent of Steve’s shampoo. Billy relaxes into the sauna-like atmosphere of warmth and humidity. He can’t really calm down like this when he’s at home, there’s always paranoia looming, either a floorboard is creaking, dishes slosh around in the sink, or the sound of a TV blaring softly from another room. Under constant observation he can never really let go of the tension in his back. The muscles in his shoulders and neck are taut and knotted. 

It’s different here, with no one except Steve roaming around somewhere in the house and no immediate danger of punishment following cowering behind every corner.  
He could take hours but that would probably worry Steve a little. So he speeds up and revels in the shampooing and washing his hair. Feeling the heat warm him up from inside. 

The knocking on the bathroom door wakes him from the haze of a really good shower, Steve’s voice follows quickly. 

“Can I come in ?” 

Suddenly his mouth feels dry as if he’d been out in the sun for too long without any water. He clears his throat and answers in faked nonchalance. 

“yeah” 

“I have the clothes for you. I’ll just put them on the sink real quick, that alright ? ” 

“sure, thanks” 

When the door shuts he can finally breathe again. He dries himself off in a hurry and puts on the clothes Steve got for him. It’s the soft grey T-shirt and green P.E sweats from when they were on the basketball team together, his chest tightens. The pants are simple grey sweatpants but where they are loose on Steve, they’re tight on Billy. 

While getting dressed he carefully avoids looking into the mirror and ducks his head before looking at his reflection. 

He feels like he could sleep for days on end if he had the choice. The steam fogged up the bathroom, so he wipes the mirror messily. Before he heads out into the hallway, he takes a deep breath preparing to put on a brave face to pretend he’s fine. 

He opens the door and startles a surprised Steve standing in the hallway.

“Steve what areyou doing ?” 

Billy looks at the brown haired teen confusedly and shakes his head in disbelief. Rolling his eyes slightly but without managing to hide the smile. His speech is slurred yet he sobered up enough to make his mumble less noticeable. 

Steve actually turns red and ducks his head in embarrassment. After that he lifts his head though and meets Billy’s with a curious glint in his eyes. 

“Nothin’ just wanted to make sure everything's okay with you. I ordered Pizza by the way, the guy said it’ll be here in 5 to 10 Minutes.” 

“uh-huh I’m starving.” 

Billy feels too big for his skin, he doesn't wanna make another mistake like the time he misinterpreted the mood and tried to kiss the other. He fears that they’ll get too close and he’ll loose his cool or worse start crying in front of Steve.


	12. So I'm holding on, grabbing at a light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, 
> 
> I hope you like this chapter and if you do I'm always glad about kudos or a comment ;) 
> 
> I also hope you're healthy and safe <3 
> 
> TW: Panic Attack

_So I'm holding on, grabbing at a light_

The TV is already switched on and quietly playing a talk show in the background. They’re back in the living room in no time.

_“Do you want anything to drink ?"_

_“I think i’m good, just the smell of alcohol makes me want to vomit.”_

_“I meant water, or juice, or something idiot”_

He rolls his eyes irritatedly and flops down on the far end of the couch with a huff. 

_“The kitchen’s all yours, get a glass of water-I mean, clearly you still have to sober up.”_

Exhausted and tired Billy shuffles over into the kitchen full of expensive things he wouldn't know how to operate. After opening a lot of cupboardshe finally finds a large glass and chugs it all in one go. Still thirsty he pours himself another one and heads back into the expensively furnished living room. The place doesn't feel particularly lived in but Steve doesn't seem to mind the artificiality of it all. 

The voices coming out of the TV resound throughout the house annoying and obnoxiously. Steve is not really amused by the show and deep in thought until Billy comes back. 

When Billy returns into the room, he hovers next to the couch unsure. He gets that feeling that you get when you've never been to someones house and have no clue how to behave.  
Steve picks up the remote and switches the channel to something more interesting, a horror movie, great. 

Steve is too fixated on the TV to notice that Billy is uncomfortable, metal clatters around as the villain rummages around in a box of fixing tools. Billy’s breath hitches and he curls in on himself, crossing his arms. Now and again he takes small sips of his drink. 

The warehouse noises remind him too much of the mind flayer and he can’t bare to look at the TV again, his hair at the back of his neck starts to rise and goosebumps spread over his arms. His T-shirt makes him vulnerable and he misses the sweatshirts he always uses to cover up the scars, they also help with the cold. 

The worst thing about being possessed by an inter-dimensional monster, and coming back from the dead, is the cold that reaches his bones and spreads out into every crevice of his mind and body. Steve is still glued to the TV-screen, like its a picture of Farrah Fawcett, he doesn’t really know about everything that happened at Brimborn’s steel factory. So it’s only fitting that they're watching a movie with a vicious murderer in a warehouse killing a bunch of people. 

The metal scratching against steel pierces his ears. The sound makes his heart speed up, not in a nice way like when you’ve got butterflies of excitement, but in that cruel way of impending doom. 

A distressed woman is running over the metal lattice, hoping to escape the killer and Billy’s stomach turns, he feels like he’s about faint. _Guilt_ is another thing that haunts his every waking hour and he could cry anytime he thinks about those dead bodies piling up on his conscience.  
In his nauseous state he fixates on the coffee table and the magazines neatly put there to seem casual, he bets no one in the house is actually reading those anytime soon. 

His palms are sweating, but his feet are ice cold, he regrets having come here, it would be too obvious if he left now, there’s nowhere else to go but here. What's troubling him is that he’ll have a panic attack if the movie goes on like this. He knows it will and Steve will worry and freak out about it. He grips the throw pillow tightly, his knuckles are turning white and the veins in his arms protrude. 

Steve is moving around in his seat at the other end of the couch. His feet are up on the couch while Billy sits unmoved and uncomfortably stoic. All of a sudden Steve’s foot touches Billy’s thigh, he wasn't prepared and jumps at the contact. This causes Steve to finally pry his eyes away from the screen, for the first time noticing Billy’s presence. 

The shrill doorbell ring startles them both and Steve heaves his body off the couch. His bare feet tapping the floor are the only sound in the house, then he can hear the muffled voices of the delivery man and Steve talking. 

...

The delicious smell of cheese and carbs emerges from the pizza box. Steve flops back down on the couch, as he puts the box down on the coffee table. Steve is sitting closer than before. Their sides touch, thighs pressed slightly together, Billy has to remind himself that nothing will come of it. Besides he has other problems at the moment that exhaust his mentality enough as it is. 

_Little does he know that Steve noticed his discomfort and wants to make sure it’s not too much for him to handle._

_“I hope you like cheese on your pizza, cause that’s all I ordered”_ with a wink he digs right in and stuffs his mouth with a huge slice of pizza. 

_“S’really goog”_ he smiles goofily and his mouth is full so that’s all that comes out. 

_"If you say so pretty boy”_

The last part slips out of habit and he’s too strung out to care, Billy hopes his eyes are not showing how fond he is of him. He takes two slices at once and leans back against the couch. The food wakes his system back up. It tastes so much better when you’re fucked up from the after effects of alcohol. Billy groans in delight at the taste. Steve giggles at that and Billy is a goner.

A shrill devastating scream in the movie shakes him back to reality and his hands shake. He tries covering it up by putting one of the slices back in the container. On screen the teens drive a car somewhere during daylight, but his heart is still in his throat.

 _"Are you okay ?”_ Steve’s wide and worried eyes glance over at him, they're sitting very close together so he probably feels Billy tensing up. 

_"yeah, it’s not a big deal”_ He’s unconvincing and his hands shake just as much as before. 

_"you sure about that ?”_ Steve reaches out for him but backtracks and pulls his hands away carefully. Billy wishes he wouldn’t. 

_"yes, just… please…drop it Steve, I don’t-”_

_"fine I’ll stop but promise you’ll tell me if I can help”_ His expression is so earnest and warm that Billy wants to crumble and cry in his arms. 

_"sure I promise ”_ He tries to focus on the high school setting and the seemingly calm atmosphere in this scene. His breathing is quick but he calmed a little. 

For a few moments theres a comfortable silence between them and they’re enjoying the pizza. 

_"Billy?”_

_"yeah?”_

_"Did you know that I was really bummed out when you weren’t allowed to come to the dinner party ?”_

_"nah the little brats were there, and you could have seen me tomorrow”_

_"yes…I mean-I know, but you were who I was looking forward to seeing.”_

_"Harrington don’t flatter me, I liked it better when your mouth was stuffed with pizza.”_

He lightly shoves the other with his left hand making them both laugh lightly.

_"I mea-”_

Billy jerks in his seat once again. The movie is too much, too similar to the things, he’d been eager to ignore over the last months. Dizzy and disoriented he rubs his palms on his sweats. 

A jump scare almost shocks him to death, so bad that he grips Steve’s hand tightly without even noticing. He blushes embarrassed and rips his hand away as if he’d burned himself. 

He’s the **monster** in the movie. 

Haunting little kids in their dreams, making them too scared to sleep, he’s the one that’s bad. It’s like watching himself from the third person’s point of view. The real Billy and everything he’d done make his stomach twist and block his breathing. 

_“hey man, it’s okay, we can switch the channel if you want.”_ Billy shakes his head defeatedly and sighs. Head going a hundred miles per hour. 

_"no…no I’m good, Steve.”_

He really isn’t though.

 _"if you say so, I mean this is kinda really sca-”_

_"u-huh…”_ The next time Freddy Krueger appears they interlock their hands once again. 

Billy is sweating and his breath shortens. 

Steve doesn't know its because of guilt instead of fear. 

He doesn't know about how much is on Billy’s hands, the blood which he can never wash off. 

The guilt about killing someone with your own hands. 

Heart beating faster with every beat. 

It’s your fault, you’re a monster. 

The ringing in his ears gets louder. 

It’s so loud that he can’t hear the TV or even Steve’s voice anymore. 

So that he can’t hear Steve’s pleading for him to-

 _"-illy, Billy please just breathe with me okay?”_

He cannot get a word out. 

He feels like he’s going to die. 

_"-in and slowly out with me… In and Out … In and Out-”_

Hands cradle his face and he slowly comes back to himself. 

The noise is coming back to his ears. 

_"Billy please…”_

His heart is still breathing way too fast and his head feels like he’s been slamming it into a wall repeatedly.  
His sight is unfocused and blurry from tears. He almost suffocated for nothing. 

_“Steve?”_ His voice is tiny and weak, he sounds so afraid, Steve rubs his hands down Billy’s back in a soothing manner to keep him calm. 

_“yes Billy ?”_

_“thanks…”_ He sighs in exhaustion. Steve’s hands hold him together. 

_“why didn’t you say anything?”_ He scrunches up his eyebrows and the worry is audible in his voice.  
_“I didn’t wanna worry you…besides it’s jus-”_

_“Stop, don’t do that. Please don’t…put your feelings down like that””_

_“I’m not it really is just a movie Steve…it’s fine now” ”_

He’s lying but telling the truth would be too daunting for the both of them. 

Luckily Steve muted and switched the TV to a teleshopping channel, yet Billy can’t quite relax because the monster is inside him not the movie. 

Billy finally notices how their position is very intimate. Billy is curled up in a ball he’s in between his legs, curled into himself. Steve’s arms engulf him in a tight hug. 

_“Let’s just watch something else”_

_“alright,…alright okay”_

__“I think I have the VHS to risky business somewhere around here wait …”_ _

_And then he’s out of the room in a second rummaging in a closet somewhere in the house. He runs back down the stairs with fast steps taking two steps at a time._

_“got it””_

_He smiles brightly while putting the VHS into the player._

_“Have you seen this already ?”_

_When he sits back down he’s impossibly closer to Billy. It feels like he wants to comfort him without any chance of rejection._

_“No, I’ve gotta disappoint you I have not””_

_“get ready for a cinematic masterpiece, Do you remember the halloween party when you first got here ?””_

_“of course I remember, that’s where I met “the King” of Hawkins”_ To add he winks Steve with a smug look on his face. 

_“whatever, the movie was my inspiration for the costume””_ He scoffs but smiles so proudly that its contagious and Billy laughs a little at that. 

_“good choice, Nancy didn't look anywhere near as good if that helps. “”_

Steve nods in defeat and the intro for the movie appears on the screen. He also brought a blanket and covers them both. The movie is such a feel good movie, without any jumscares that could trigger anything and Billy is so thankful for that. His guilt troubles him but being in company helps.

Half an hour passes and they’ve slipped into a more comfortable position in the couch. 

Billy feels Steve shifting in his direction and his breath stutters. 

__Is anything going to happen between them ?_ _

His mind is buzzing from this emotional rollercoaster he’s on. 

The main character’s name is Joel and he’s planning throwing a party with prostitutes or something. Billy has to hide a smile at that, so typical of Steve to dress up as him. He shakes his head. 

The movie is not as interesting as Steve is though. He tries to pry his eyes away, however they always find their way back to him. He seems pretty focussed on the movie, until Billy feels a pinky grazing his hand. Slowly and cautious as first, but Billy reaches his own out so they're touching more. Thats enough for Steve to gain the courage to trace his finger over the back of Billy’s hand softly. Billy’s breath hitches and he hopes the other can’t tell that he’s flushing. Wherever Steve's fingers were there are tingles in the wake of his touch, electrified Billy breathes out unsteadily. His heartbeat accelerates but for an entirely different reason than it did before. He steals a quick glance at Steve, who is looking at the TV as if nothing is going on, as if he’s not caressing Billy’s hand a little too softly. 

He still doesn’t really know where they stand though. For now they’re ignoring everything that happened between them. He doesn't mind as long as they're talking to each other. In spite of that his curiosity remains, because right now Steve is giving off very mixed signals. He’s so touchy and soft that Billy’s heart aches, he wants Steve to want him back just as much. The blonde doesn't wanna admit anything but their kiss lingers, just as much as the hurt and disappointment that followed. 

Steve’s eyes stray away from the tv-screen just for a second, not enough for Billy to notice. His faded tan does nothing to hide the flush in his cheeks, Steve still hasn't let go of his hand and is playing with his fingers absentmindedly. He’s infuriated at how he loses his control whenever he’s around Steve. He clenches the other hand thats still hanging limply to his other side in an attempt to calm the butterflies in his tummy.  
The movie is still running full force but he is dozing off every now and again. The comforting feeling of Steve’s knuckles against his hand making him more tired than he thought he was. 


End file.
